i don't want to come back here...

but i don't know whether to let go of it for good or to keep it... just for case i need to vent...

maybe i should keep a written journal...i don't really have time for that, though...

so let me just get this out and be on my way...

i'm confusing myself...

i'm may be denying a part of myself that exists...

i say one thing this time and other the next...

i don't really know... one would think i'd be sure about this at my age...

hopefully, i'll have an answer for myself soon... so i can say this is for sure and not feel guilty anymore...

So exhausted...

I want a moment to recooperate from the longs days of school and work...

But I never have a minute for myself anymore... 

And worse still, I've been having this "empty" feeling... a part of myself wants to be filled...

I want someone to fill that space for me... I want to feel wanted and needed by someone...

But sometimes I wonder... if anyone could ever really want and need me at all?

*sigh*

[EDIT: Survey due to boredom]

1.I've come to realize that, my ex is:
non-existent


2. I've come to realize that, I talk :
the best when I'm around people I know and love

3. I've come to realize that, I love : my family and friends more than anything in the world


4. I've come to realize that, I have:
to decide my future career sometime soon...


5. I've come to realize that, I lost :
the ability to truly relax due to school


6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when :
I feel that I'm unloved by those in my life, when I know it isn't true...


8. I've come to realize that, marriage is : not is the frofront of my mind at this point in my life


9. I've come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking :
about someone other than me...


10. I've come to realize that I'll always be :
Rojo, and that'd how I'll stay!


11. I've come to realize that, I have a crush on :
johnny depp <33333333


12. I've come to realize that, The last time I cried was :
yesterday...


13. I've come to realize that, My cell phone is :
fine but I really want a new one...

14. I've come to realize that, When I wake up in the morning:
I really don't want to get up from the bed...

15. I've come to realize that, Before I go to sleep at night I:
think about everyone important to me and wish them goodnight


16. I've come to realize that, Right now I am thinking about :
people...

17. I've come to realize that, Babies are:
fucking disgesting!


18. I've come to realize that, I get on myspace :
less than I use to...

19. I've come to realize that, Today I:
I can develope and print out photos! yay!

20. I've come to realize that, Tonight I will :
sleep like the dead only to be disturbed by my alarm clock

21. I've come to realize that, Tomorrow I will :
be working ;.;


22. I've come to realize that, I really want to: someone, anyone right now... to hug me for a while...

I'm letting it all sink in... and then I'm moving on...

I don't remember much of the other night when I stayed over at Vivian's house...

I remember bits and pieces of the beginning, knowing I was being mean but lacking the will power to stop myself... yet not really caring much at the time.  My filter was gone and I knew my excuse lately on would be that I wasn't in the right state of mind.  I can say that I regret some of the words that flew out of my mouth... I don't hate them... if I really hated them, I wouldn't even allow myself to be around them... but what happened, happened... and I can only hope that I didn't do too much damage.

I was filled in on the parts I don't remember too well... though I have a feeling that that information was delivered to me lighter then the whole scene really was. I knew I had dreadful thoughts pent up inside of me, and I didn't want to bother people with it all... so I kept it all inside... which is something I rarely do... and it all came out in tears, so I'm told.  All this caused my outlandish behavior and made myself a problem for Vivian and Anthony...

I may have even said other stuff that I'm not being told about...

It doesn't really matter if I know everything or not, the fact of the matter is I didn't like the side of myself that came out that night... and this is the first time I don't remember everything...

If there is a next time when drinks are involved in our activties, I want to go into it just for the fun of it all, not as a form of escape... because I'm really not escaping...

Why is it that lately when I'm walking home... this feeling of seclusion immerses me?

In these moments, I want another pair of footsteps walking beside me...

Sometimes I have a certain person in mind and wish that he/she was next to me...

And other times, I want just anyone that seems warm enough to ease me...

This feeling isn't foreign to me... I've felt it before many times in the past...

Yet the loathing I have for moments like these...

I know I am not alone, as I felt like I was a long time ago...

... Then why does this feeling constantly come back out of nowhere?

... What's missing?

I'm freaking sick and tired of hearing about someone I can not bring myself to accept.

My best friend constantly talks about her 35 year old boyfriend... how much she loves him, how much she wants to live with him, how she can never live without him...

Normally, I wouldn't mind all this talk, afterall I have listened to her talk about him endless without being irriated...

But due to the circumstances that have happened recently, every time she mentions him, I want to hang up the phone...

I don't know how much more I can torelate all this...

And I'm tired of being told I'm a bad friend for no good reason...

FUCK!!! >:(